Memoirs of a Gay

Some People Are Alive Only Because It’s Illegal To Kill Them

2006-06-19T02:43:00.000-07:00

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of death, I will fear no evil, for I am the meanest son of a bitch in the valley."--a bitchy quote

an update after a hundred years

2006-04-30T19:43:00.000-07:00

good thing i fought the urge to stop blogging.i guess the writer in me won. now, where shall i start?

~STATISTICS: loving it to bits..bleecchh~

BBQ VENDOR AT COLLEGE STUDENT

BBQ V: ilan sa iyo?
CS: 3x-5 where x=6
BBQ V: So 13, bale mura lang 5 sin 90 and isa
CS: Hmm...Paki convert naman po using arc tangent
BBQ V: Di ko keri, tangent nalang 5 tan 45. Kung gusto mo mag apply ka nalang ng reduction formula.
CS: Ok na po. Eto na bayad, (5x^2-5x+3)/sin 3x, x=5. Keep the change.

NOTE: Ganito ka useful ang math sa buhay natin(nosebleed itoh!)

It pains me to say this but, i didn't succeed climbing the STATISTICS mountain. That effing mountain. Despite the honest-to-goodness efforts to reach that effing mountain's peak, i still wasn't able to get there. And now, here i am, rotting inside while silently praying for a miracle that my grade willl somehow change. Then again, that certain miracle isn't meant for me..but for someone who, i think, needs it more than i do.

As what ive told Jenny, failing statistics was a wake up call for me; telling me to go back to my old, studious self. As i struggle to zip my old self back, i managed to realize a thing or two about living, learning and laughing.

Just because i flunked stat doesn't necessarily mean i'm a loser althroughout. It applies for everyone else. If you flunked a subject or two, it doesn't mean that you're a dumbass unfit for any friendship or respect.
You're still a human being who unfortunately got a 5 on your report card.

Speaking of 5 (i cringe at the mere utterance of this number), for anyone who's got, who's getting and who might be getting this hell of a number, stop, take a deep breath and smile. This is just a number, it can't kill you anyhow. Well, i wouldn't be a hypocrite and say i didn't got affected the moment i learned i got a 5. Of course i was sad, gloomy, disheartened...whatever adjective you wanna call it. But i didn't let this effing number to eat me alive. I simply allowed it to teach me one important lesson that i hope, you will also learn from it. It taught me that grades are mere numbers. NOMINAL DATA (see, ive learned from stat after all) they are. Numbers in the nominal data have the weakest level of measurement for they merely name or label differences.For me, what i got was a nominal number. It didn't measure my real capabilitites and my real self. It only measured my not-so-good performance in a short span of time.

Grades are essential, yes, but i think a person's worth aren't and shouldn't be measured with mere numbers. I'm speaking only for myself hah! These grades limit my life. These grades limit my life. These grades limit my life. Grades doesn't make a person. It's every life blissfully lived, every love wholeheartedly given and every laughter freely shared. Besides, i can't carry my grades to my grave and God, if ever i'll get to heaven, wouldn't ask what grade i got in my statistics class because if He does, He would still have to choose between the grade from my real stat class and the grade from my summer stat class. :p

update..at last!! after 10 yrs.

2006-03-16T05:34:00.000-08:00

madaming bagay ang nangyare sakin..

>nadapa
>natapilok
>natisod
>natawa
>naiyak
>at nagutom..

sari-saring pangyayari...lahat sarap balik-balikan. Pero wala paring tatalo sa feeling ng mabuhusan ng isang baldeng nagyeyelong tubig sa likod...figuratively of course.

Para akong sinabunutan ng isanlibong bakla nang malaman kong may kinakarir na pala siya. Eto ako, si tanga't gaga, mega asa! ayun! naligo tuloy ako ng di oras!Lesson? Magdala ng sabon.

versus medicine football team..

2006-01-30T16:43:00.000-08:00

wapak!! eto lang ang masasabi ko!! we won!! t'was our first game..and we won against medicine!! 1-0..asteg!! ate jeannie scored!! stig!!!next game..vs. nursing na...

ayayayay!!! update itoh..

2006-01-09T04:43:00.000-08:00

at last..an update..i think i lost interest in blogging na. i dunno how it happened. basta, ayoko nang mag blog..pero!! eto ako at nag update parin. hehe..

>maganda and pasok ng taon sakin dahil nagtanim ako ng kamote sa bakuran namin..
> juz met my cousins..sa father side. ngayon ko lang sila nakilala so i'm looking forward to knowing them better...
>para akong adik..(what's new?)
>nadagdagan ang pagka adik ko sa football..buti nga hindi na about football 'tong entry na to..hehe..

HALA..SIGE..SIPA!!!

2005-11-16T22:07:00.000-08:00

at last nakapag update narin ako. as usual, i just got home from football training. i'm tired and i'm pissed!!! i had been irritable this morning... i dunno why..pero naiirita talaga ako. i guess twas triggered by the thought and eventually the realization that my crush is the "user-friendly" type of person. badtrip talaga yung mga ganun!!! kakaibiganin ka tapos sangkaterbang favors ang hihingin sayo in the long run. bangis non!!!

badtrip nako pag pasok ko, tapos sa scrimmage namin kanina naka own goal pako. bangis talaga!!! pero pag asar ako or inis ako, lalo akong nagiging aggressive. wala akong paki kahit anong mangyari sakin basta makuha ko yung bola sa kalaban.

>sana matapos na ang lahat...
>sana hindi ako magkalat sa intrams...
>sana wala nang mga user-friendly...

BANGAS

2005-11-01T13:22:00.000-08:00

excited nako magtraining ulit. sa U.P. na kami sa friday..hayy..inay ko kasi hindi ako pinayagang magtraining nung monday eh..pati nung wednesday...di parin matuloy tuloy yung lakad namin nila Bruhaha (Ate Jeannie)..pano di nga ako nakakapagtraining..nkkhya na nga sa kanila eh..pero sabi nia labas nalang kami pag showing na yung Harry Potter 4..haayyy.. sana friday na..gusto ko nang mag FOOTBALL!!!

sayang..di natuloy yung FUTSAL nung saturday..sayang talaga...
gusto ko pa namang maglaro..kaya lang umalis kami eh...pero ok lang..d rin naman daw natuloy yung futsal..pero sayang..sayang talaga...

nagpunta pinsan ko dito nung monday, kaaalis lang nia kanina..ayun, laro laro kami sa labas,,sipa sipa ng bola. ngayong sem pwede na daw siyang sumali sa football team ng U.E..hindi lang sa college nila siya maglalaro, kundi para sa buong university..bangas no? sana ako rin..hehe

bakit ba ako masyadong adik sa football??

dati pangarap ko lang yun,,ngayon,,,totoo nah!!

sana mas lumakas pa pagsipa ko...

sana gumaling ako sa paglalaro...

nakaka high ang futbol...

....nakaka high...

...shet..naubos ko na yung Gatorade na dapat iinumin ko sa friday...

ZONKED...

2005-10-28T21:46:00.000-07:00

saw my grades at last..and im not satisfied...i really am not..i hate my self for being so careless. Hindi talaga ako satisfied sa grades ko...pipilitin kong maging healthy para maiwasan na ang pagkakasakit ko,,,para hindi na ako umabsent ng madalas.

my parents are still bugging me to shift to nursing...duh? i don't like nursing. pwede pa BS Biology..pero nursing...no way!!! kasi daw malaki ang kita pag nagtapos sa nursing...para daw makapunta na agad sa ibang bansa..kasi daw ako panganay,,para sure na daw trabaho ko...

pero bakit ko isasakripisyo yung gusto ko para lang sa pera? para lang makapunta sa ibang bansa? Magsusurvive naman ako sa course ko ngayon, journalism, kasi mahal ko ang pagsusulat. at gaya nga ng cnabi nila, pag mahal mo ang ginagawa mo hindi na ito TRABAHO.

dapat talaga nasa BIO ako ngayon, kaya lang waiting-list lang ako dun eh. Pasado ako sa journ. Since high school talaga love ko na yung biology subject..and thank goodness may biology subject nga ako ngayon!!! WAHOO!!!

biology...hmm..ano kaya mangyayari sakin??

AT THE END OF THE DAY

2005-10-21T17:35:00.000-07:00

Friday...wahoo!!! Last training day for this week. As usual, i got home with aching feet and screaming toes. Kicking balls are tiring but fun!!!

A while ago, i noticed that i am getting darker...again. Who wouldn't with the sun licking your skin from 7 a.m. 'till 12nn?I don't care...i can still bring the natural color of my skin back in no time, but not now. Getting dark is one of the few sacrifices I had to make for the love of the sport aside from getting up as early as 5 a.m. to prep up for the training; from being scolded too many a times by a mother who says that football can't get her daughter anywhere but still supports her and secretly cheers for her anyway; from having to pass up on a barkada gimik; and from the thought that i may have a zero love life for the rest of my days. Who cares? If those things are some ways of disciplining and training myself to be the best football player that i can be, then i'd happily do it all.

Another week has passed and boy was it soooo tiring!!! Monday, first day of training for the sembreak. Tuesday, game with PUP but we had a scrimmage instead because we lack players. Wednesday, 2nd training day. Thursday, went to E.K. with NO FAMILY (my barkada) although Matt was absent. Friday, last training day for the week. WHHEEEWWW...
Whatta week!!! Thank God i still have saturday and sunday to rest.

Yesterday, NO FAMILY celebrated with Denise, Dez, and Renzie n Georgie. For Denise and Dez, it's their birthday. For Renzie n Georgie it's their anniversary. We had a blast!!! Pictures everywhere!!! We rode all the rides we saw, except for some because of the lack of time, and tried all the things that were worth...err..trying, except for PAINTBALL, which was my target activity that time. But because Shiela and Jenny, the girly ones, gave me "THE STARE" i decided that i should pass on the paintball thing and walk away..hehe. But hey!!! in fairness to them, they gave me the chance to rapel.hehe!!! That...was...one...hell...of...an...experience...wahoo!!! it was a breathtaking experience. i got to convince Grace and Dez to climb with me and also Hawi, Alex and DJ. Got pictures, pero next time ko nalang i-upload.

"At the end of the day, we can endure much more than we think we can."---Frida Kahlo

At the end of this day, i'd be thinking of things again. Why they happen and how i should take it. There are some things in this life that are not worth remembering at the end of the day. Things that should be left in the exact place where it happend. Some words are better left unsaid because it would only hurt if one hears it and then thinks about it at the end of the day.
Life, in itself, is neither good nor bad. It depends upon the person to make it good or bad. It also depends upon the people that surround you. They can either hurt you and make your life turn bad, or they can love you and make your life become good.

"Show me a woman who has never had her heart broken and I'll show you a woman who has never really lived."---Jenny Manuel

I've had my heart shattered into tiny million pieces before, and guess what? It still is...NOW. The person who did this to me still has no idea what he has done. He still has no idea that by his mere word, he leaves me speechless. Everytime he says a word, my system shakes and attentively, I listen. Sadly, for yet another favor. Why can't i control myself from being this so selfless? Wait! let me rephrase that... Why can't I control myself from being so STUPID. yeah..that felt good. Stupid is the exact word. I keep on blaming myself for falling for such a guy, but when I went across a book entitled WHO STOLE MY MAGIC? by Jenny Manuel, that says: "Instead of asking 'WHY,' it is much wiser to view your love as a gift. Because that's what love is---a gift; give it freely, for the sake of giving and not because you expect anything in return. And realize that the act of loving is in itself a gift. The fact that we can love and do love is the most amazing gift of all. And even if your love is not reciprocated, sent back to your doorstep like an unopened present, appreciate that you have within you the power, the ability, and the courage to love and that in itself makes you truly special." I came to realize that hey, loving is simply loving the way God loves us, His children, no matter who we are or what we are without expecting anything in return.
To the guy who made me love like this, thank you for being one of the actors in my play.

Life threw at me lemons...guess what? i made some lemonades, lemon-flavored cakes and pastries, candied lemons, lemon pancake...and the list shall go on.

2005-10-17T16:02:00.000-07:00

~CHAPTER 1~

Just got home from football training. A usual, it was tiring but at the same time, t'was fun!!! As expected, I'm feeling happy again...I dunno...I just feel happy despite all the running, the 15 minute non-stop jogging, the sprinting and the non-stop sweating. I guess, I simply missed the training. I missed my girl teammates, our coach, my guy teammates, and I missed the muddy field!!! I friggin' missed the muddy UST Main Field... so what I did was I played and goofed around with my teammates while passing the ball and stomping on puddles...warm puddles with lotsa mud and microorganisms...which isn't good for digestion.Ü I felt like a kid that time; careless of what's happening around me...disregarding the fact that Coach Ruel might see what I had been doing and...err..make me run laps for 20 minutes..(Sam, does this ring a bell?..hehe)

After the training, Jackie had been an angel and accompanied me to the shower room sans the shower curtains. Well, whaddaya expect with Jackie tagging along??? Of course, lots and lots of KALOKOHAN. I love that girl.hehe...

~CHAPTER 2~

As usual, every football day, be it from P.E. to training, is a heavy-heart day for me. I went home sulking as if I had lost a million bucks along the way. My "@%#$" wrung my heart again 'till the blood's drained out. How he had been able to do that, I do not know. All i know is that everytime he talks about his girl and his crushes right infront of me, or better yet talks TO ME about his "recent" never fails to drain, not only my blood, but also my dreams, my strength, and my sanity for crissakes!!!
Last night was the worst!!! He asked me to do something for his "girl" What the!!??...at the thought of his favor and eventually doing it, I almost hurled. I began to convince myself that he's not all worth the things that I've been doing, the things that I've been sacrificing. He's one hell of a crap...I don't care if he ever gets to read this, but he sucks. So much for patriotism comrade. Help yourself first before doing some miracle for this wheezing country...I think you need some serious help...I suggest you visit a spa once in a while to rid you of your oh so thick callouses.

However, despite all the things you consciously, unconsciously and subconsciously did to me, I am still thankful because if it weren't for you, I wouldn't have made another poem worth reading...Here goes nothing...

"MORE THAN A BRUISED SHIN"

Water boisterously falls
as rain outside my window
tonight. Reminding me that I should
be as loud as their sound hitting
the ground. But I cannot.

Instead, I remain
silent. As breeze passes
through my freshly shampooed hair
carrying its fragrance to
my nostrils.
...I sneezed.

My nose, perhaps, cannot take
the smell the breeze had brought.
For inside
I am rotting.

The pile of dirt you dumped
the day you told me you
loved her suffocated me...
And that you'd die if
you can't catch
a very glimpse of her. While I,
without you knowing, die every sunrise
everytime you say you'd die
...you'd die without her.

Water still
boisterously falls as rain
outside my window tonight. Reminding
me that I should be as loud
as their sound hitting
the ground.

As much as I wanted
to be happy, already,
you robbed me
of the chance
to be.

So now, I'm back to zero again. No more "@#$%" to talk about...no more "@#$%" to be inspired about. The hell with him...hope he finds his place in the streets...that's what he wants anyway. While I shall remain a soldier no matter what.

~CHAPTER 3~

We, the ABFC Women's Team, will be having our last match against PUP tomorrow. I hope we win...I hope we win...With regards football, I think my main problem is my speed. I'm such a slow poke...and I hate myself for being that!!! I need to improve my speed...I need to improve my speed...HELP ME!!!hehehehe...Oh well, that would be all for now. I can't think of anything more to say.

RECAPTURING LIFE IN ANOTHER STRING OF WORDS

2005-10-15T19:09:00.000-07:00

I found a poem made by one of my favorite writers,

Maningning C. Miclat

...but before that...who is Maningning anyway???

This one's from Maningning Miclat Foundation Inc.

Maningning Miclat, a published author, multilingual poet, prize-winning artist, an interpreter and art teacher at Far Eastern University passed away at the tender age of 28. Born and raised in Beijing, China for the first half of her life, she grew up to become an accomplished painter in both Chinese and Western genre and a multilingual poet, fictionist and essayist publishing her works in English, Filipino and Chinese. Maningning had her first solo exhibit of Chinese traditional paintings at the age of 15 at the Cultural Center of the Philippines in 1987. "Maningning: An Exhibit of Chinese Brush Works" would only be the first of five solo exhibitions, and the first of about 32 total exhibitions for her. That same year, she launched her first book of poetry in Chinese "Wo De Shi", My Poems.

The sensitive artist / poet won the 1992 Art Association of the Philippines (AAP) Grand Prize in Non-Representational painting for her abstract, " Trouble in Paradise" while still a student at the University of the Philippines, College of Fine Arts.

She would graduate with a Bachelor of Fine Arts, Major in Painting, Cum Laude standing, in 1994.

While excelling in the visual arts, she also followed her heart in the literary world. She became a fellow of the U.P. National Writer's Workshop in 1990 where she won an award and a Jullie Lluch trophy for her one-act play in Filipino. In 1991, she became a fellow of the Silliman Writer's Workshop for her poems in English. Her poems in Chinese would earn for her a niche in the Chinese poetry, counting her as one of the 39 Top-Rated Women Poets in Chinese anthologized in a book published in Beijing.Multi-faceted Maningning "sold paintings, wrote for newspapers, designed book covers, taught Mandarin at the Ateneo University, and even had her second book, Voice from the Underworld published by Anvil Publishing." She would later teach art at the FEU while taking up masters in Fine Arts at U.P."

Maningning as a child growing up in Beijing, was taught the Marxist definition of literature and the arts as concentrated representations of life and nature on a higher plane. Precociously maturing in Manila, she started creating her representations of beauty through painting and poetry. The ashes she left behind are now kept in a quiet sepulcher surrounded by nature's verdure at the foot of Subic's hills."
http://maningning.com/home.htm

it's just sad that she had to leave this earth so soon...i never got the chance to meet her..

Laughter
by Maningning C. Miclat

He left me
when he could
no longer stand the laughter

that I gave him
while he begged me not
to keep memories
alive in poems

to hurt myself
and make those
who read

sad. I laughed
when he shared
his life with me
while holding him

to make it easier
and maybe
less painful
to live on.

Laugh! I told
him, but
could not get
his attention.

Laugh! I asked
him, but
he left in
anger.

And left
before he understood
the courage
that held my laughter.

CAPTURING LIFE IN A STRING OF WORDS...

2005-10-14T17:52:00.000-07:00

at last!!! an update...thank goodness sembreak na!!! time to stretch, time to relax, time to pay sleep debts, time to do everything! wahooo!!!

woke up this morning feeling so down. why? bcoz as far and as clear as i can remember, a person visited me again...in my dreams. Yep, the same person who makes my heart thump; who makes every waking day beautiful and promising; who gives my lifeless words enough meaning to last a fraction of a day; who reaches out to me with his handless arm; who kills me everytime his eyes lovingly stare at anothers.

sad as it may seem, i guess this is what we call life after all.

NADAPA...NATAUHAN...SA WAKAS..

2005-09-30T22:06:00.000-07:00

i forgot to share this..wala lang..pero last wk lang ata, may game kami..so nag antayan yung team sa ust..sakto may rotc pa nun..cadets everywhere as usual..eh kaming mga nag aantay ng ibang team mates eh mejo nababato na so we decided to play..sa daanan lang malapit sa mga pav..di kasi kami pwede sa field..may mga nag mamarchings.

so ayun, passing kami nung bola. may bata pa nga kaming nakita..dinala bola namin..basta.. 2 cut the story short, nakuha na namin ung bola then i decided to dribble it back sa place namin..eh nung nag ddribble ako eh sakto may mga paparating na cadets..makakasalubong ko..eh mejo tumatakbo ako,,,so iniwas ko ung bola para d sila mabangga..tapos.. AYUN!! natisod ako nung bola..plakda ako...ALL EYES WERE ON ME...kasalanan ko talaga kasi di ako nag-iingat...so ayun,carry ko naman ung pagkapahiya ko...mapipigilan ko bang mangyari un?? kung madadapa ako..madadapa talaga ako..hindi ko nga namalayang dumudugo na tuhod ko kung dipa cnabi ni jackie sakin..at tumawa!!hehe

ETO PANGA UNG SUGAT KO...

eniwei, un nga..ok lang ung kahihiyan ko...im used to those kinds of things...ang kinaiinis ko lang nung araw na un eh ung reaction nung mga MPs na nka station malapit dun sa mga pav just across the botanical garden...

ABA!!! TINAWANAN LANG AKO!!!!

hindi naman sa nag-eexpect ako na tulungan ako..carry ko naman sarili ko...i don't need them..pero yung tawanan ang isang taong nadapa %&@#! nila!!!! naturingang mga MP...walang kwenta..naiintindihan ko..may order sa kanila na bawal silang umalis sa post nila hangga't hindi sila relieved...hindi naman ako tanga para hindi malaman yon...helloooo!??? pinagdaanan ko na yun!!

at eto pa!! ung isang MP tinawanan muna ako bago ako alukin ng band aid... puro lalake pa naman mga Mp..walang mga kwenta...What's happening na??? yun ba tinuturo ngayon sa rotc?? ang magpaka "astig" kuno habang ung mga tao sa paligid nila eh naghihingalo na??? puro lang kayabangan ang nakikita ko ngayon...pwe!

kung ako yung nakakita ng nadapa sa harapan ko..hindi ako magdadalawang isip na umalis sa post ko at tumulong,,,hindi tumawa..da hell with posts!!! may nangangailangan ng tulong ko eh..kahit na mapagalitan ako ok lang at least may mgandang reason ako for doing so...

PANO NALANG KUNG BANSA NA NATIN ANG HUMINGI NG TULONG SA KANILA?? TATAWANAN RIN LANG BA NILA KAGAYA NUNG GINAWA NILA MINSAN SA AKIN??

tsk.tsk..kung ganun rin lang ung iba...eto lang masasabi ko sa inyo...WALA KAYONG KARAPATANG MAG SUOT NG FATIGUE! anong sense ngpagsusuot ng combat boots kung hindi niyo maaatim na madumihan to?? anong sense ng pag-aalmirol ng mga damit kung hindi niyo kayang malukot ito??? For a cause naman eh... kung di niyo kaya...

mag-apply nalang kayong mannequin ng mga army whatsoevers dyan sa recto...

BIRDS OF THE SAME FEATHERS...

2005-09-25T15:50:00.000-07:00

PROLOGUE:
since last night, i was made to believe that birds of different feathers can never flock together. some might agree and some might not.

CHAPTER 1:
i came from a very weird party last night. t'was the 18th bday of a very dear friend, Cielo. she's been my friend since elementary but we're never seen hanging out with the same group of people. i dunno why, but i guess her thing isn't my kinda thing. she's into rnb and hip hop while i'm into alternative, opm and sometimes rock. she's into bling blings while i'm into pearl earrings. she's into hard-hitting lyrics while i'm into poetic verses. she's into "gangsta hommies" (correct me if i'm wrong) while i'm more into laid back, conyo type (hehe), clean cut, ironed guys.
based from the things that i have mentioned above, some might think that we don't jive that well. you're wrong. our individual differences somehow bridges the gap between us. we compromise, we compliment each other in such a way that neither of us feel awkward nor belittled.

CHAPTER 2:
in that said party, the host, Cielo's sister ate Meg, made us drink. you know what i mean. she served us Red Horse and San Mig Light. at the back of my head, i was really thinking of good excuses not to drink because i NEVER really drink. well, except for water, iced tea and some yummie yet fattening beverages. add to that i also don't drink milk. it's a total no-no for a lactose intolerant like me. (i remember the days..hehe)
several minutes had passed and i still wasn't able to think of any good excuse. ate Meg poured Red Horse beer in my plastic cup. as i watched the liquid flow from the bottle down to the cup, my intestines twinged. "How on earth will i ever drink that? how can i refuse?" i asked my self as the last drop of beer reached my cup.
i let a second pass...then another..then another...i still can't drink the beer in front of me. i know myself too well to even take a sip of the liquid. that bitter liquid. some say that once you get a taste of it, you'll like it and eventually welcome it into your system. well...it didn't work for me..it will never work for me. so i just watched some of my grade school friends drink the whole lot like they've never drank before. they drank as if they're just drinking distilled water. again, my intestines twinged at the sight of it. Tricia, another friend of ours asked me to just take a sip. i did out of PAKIKISAMA and Cielo asked me to, because it's her birthday, i gave in. i took in, i think 3 drops of that bitter liquid and indulged in their yummy pulutan. who could resist lumpiang shanghai?? I couldn't!!! so i gobbled up on the pulutan instead.hehe.
call me K.J. and i will thank you for that. call me lasinggera or plain manginginom and i will hate you forever!!! (hehe) that's one thing i will never do.

CHAPTER 3:
as soon as i got home, i cleansed and purged myself of whatever toxic i had took in from the said event. it's not that i'm saying that the party was bad. what i'm referring to as toxic was that 3 drops of beer i took. i might be exaggerating but that's the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. and besides, people there were smoking. they huffed and puffed and huffed and puffed again. i can't blame them, it's not my party anyway, i was just a visitor and whatever it was that they had been doing, i have no right whatsoever to make reklamo.
so as soon as i got home, i took a shower to cleanse my hair that smelled of smoke.eewww. then i read my journ hand out for the quiz. after some time, i took a break and texted some friends just to keep me up..hehe.. but nobody replied, i guess they were already sleeping. so i texted "kuya j.c." instead. being a night owl that he is, of course he replied. t'was past 12, i just shared some of the horrific moments with some "crush" from the party. that "some crush" was icky. the last time i saw him, tinitingala ko pa sya because he studies in this well known school, mech. eng'g student and he knows a bit of football/soccer. but last night, he shrunk into the smallest being i could ever think of right in front of my face. granting that he was lasing and all that, he didn't have to be so downright rude naman sana. his friends were playing tricks on him so he kicked a cabinet opposite the chair i was sitting on. basta! i won't elaborate anymore, thinking of it makes me want to hurl.

CHAPTER 4:
today, sept.25 is ate par's birthday...yes!! christina elizabeth par. a superb football player. nobody gets past her without saying ouch or saying wow! ang galing-galing talaga niyang depensa sa football. kaya lang medyo nakakatakot baka pag binangga mo sya magka lasog lasog katawan mo! hehe..i greeted her through text tapos kwentuhan sandali:

dezzma: whoa! kggcng q plang..nyehehe..hapi bday 2 u!! hapi bday 2 u!!
par: nya! batugan! wahaha!Ü salamat!Ü
dezzma: glng aq sa bday jkgbe..1st tym umuwi ng gabi..kptbhay q lng..hehe culture shock aq.
par: @#$%% ka! 12 lng npuyat kna? wahehe..uminom ka ba?
dezzma: pnpainom nla aq..dq tlga carry. xmpre pkksma pnplit q umnom..pro dq tlga kaya. mga 3 ptak lng nainom q.
par: ay! @#$%$!!! bata ka pa nga..wg mng sbhng nalasng ka dun sa 3 ptak na un!! haha!!
dezzma: ndi! nbusog aq sa pulutan! aq lng ang 2mtra nun..hehe..
par: NYA! mortal sin yan sa inuman, ang mng ubos ng pulutan at d nainom..tsk tsk bad gurl!! kanto boys ata ksama mo!hehe..Ü

LESSON: wag mkpag inuman,,hehe

EPILOGUE:
just today, after writng this entry, i came to realize that birds of different feathers can somehow flock together. that is if they have open minds and understanding hearts. besides, what's the use of hair dye?? put some on and voila!! different feathers, same color!!!

FOR A CHILD OF THE STREETS

2005-09-09T12:07:00.000-07:00

YOU LEARN

I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone
I recommend walking around naked in your living room
Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)
It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)
Wait until the dust settles

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

I recommend biting off more than you can chew to anyone
I certainly do
I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at anytime
Feel free
Throw it down (the caution blocks you from the wind)
Hold it up (to the rays)
You wait and see when the smoke clears

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

Wear it out (like a three-year-old would do)
Melt it down (you're gonna have to eventually anyway)
The fire trucks are coming up around the bend

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

You grieve you learn
You choke you learn
You laugh you learn
You choose you learn
You pray you learn
You ask you learn
You live you learn

FOR A LOVING MOTHER

2005-09-08T21:10:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAMA MARY!!!

THE TOILET DIARIES

2005-09-08T10:27:00.000-07:00

"Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious."
--Brendan Gill

nagfeefeeling serious ako ngayon kasi hindi na naman ako nakapasok...pero hindi ko magawa.
gusto kong mag Filipino ngayon..hayaan niyo akong magsalita gamit ang ating wika..

obviously...wala ako sa school ngayon..dala parin ng aking kalagayan kahapon..isang nakakahiyang kalagayan na pati ang aking propesor sa Filipino ay nakaalam. Wala naman kasi akong ibang paraan kundi ipaalam sa kaniya kasi kung hindi ko sasabihin ang totoo ay mas lalo pa akong magiging kahiya-hiya...

ngayon..naiinis ako sa sarili ko..nagiging pabaya ako sa pag-aaral ko. hindi ako nakapasok ngayon kasi ganun parin ang kalagayan ko. hindi ako nakapag quiz sa journ na ilang araw kong pinagpuyatang aralin at basahin. absent na naman ako sa nat sci..wala na akong incentive.nakakainis.

nakakainis ang sarili ko.PABAYA ako. babawi ako..

>ngayong araw natutunan ko na ang diarrhea ay hassle;

>na ang imodium ay hindi ganon ka effective;

>na kapag lactose intolerant ka huwag ka nang mag ambisyong magiging maganda ang araw mo pag uminom ka ng gatas at kumain ng pandesal na ang palaman ay condensed milk;

>na hindi pala nakakahiya ang magkaroon ka ng lbm sa klase habang nagkiquiz ka sa filipino;

>na hindi rin nakakahiyang magpaalam sa prof para magpuntang health srvce para humingi ng saklolo;

>na ang nakakahiyang bagay eh ang hindi umamin sa totoong kalagayan at tuluyan nang magkalat sa klase;

>na kahit na alam mong hindi ka makakapasok kinabukasan ay dapat mag-aral ka parin sa ikiquiz ninyo;

>na kahit na gusto mong karirin ang quiz sa filipino, kung may nangyayari namang gera sa tiyan mo, wala paring mangyayari...magmumukhang scratch paper parin ang quiz mo;

>na kahit na nasira na ang araw mo, pwede mo parin tong pagandahin. isipin mo nalang ham yan!!!...

SHIT HAPPENS...LITERALLY AND FIGURATIVELY.

STRIKE TWO

2005-09-02T17:02:00.000-07:00

Will I ever have the chance To say that you’re mine?Have I the slightest of luck To hear you Say that I am yours?Absolutely not…Though your piece of puzzle may not seem to fit into mine...you are still The rising and the setting of my sun.

HAAAYYY... mukhang nakaka strike two ako ngayong araw na to.. una nalaman ko na si crushes #1 ay may kinakarir na...at pngalawa,,,si crushes #2 ay may karir na. this is by far the saddest day of my life. pero sabi nga ni JENNYLYNNE "NENE" AGUILAR..when God closes a door, He opens the refrigerator...tama nga..kya pag uwi ko sa bahay go agad ako sa fridge namin at nagpakalasing sa YAKULT... sa sobrang pagkadismaya ko nitong araw na to..nakaubos ako ng 5 bottles...di kaya magrebolusyan digestive system ko nian?hehe

haaayyy... bakit kaya ganito? siguro kasi... adik..hehe (love radio itoh??)

sa dinami dami ng tao sa mundo, ako pa ang nka strike two sa araw na ito. minsan naiisip ko nalang, unfair sa akin ang mundo. pero kung iisipin ko ulit patas ang mundo kahit saang anggulo mo ito tignan. lahat ng umaakyat ay bumababa, lahat ng malaki ay lumiliit, lahat ng panget ay gumaganda, lahat ng maganda ay pumapanget, lahat ng kulang ay nadaragdagan, lahat ng buhay ay namamatay, lahat ng nawawala ay bumabalik, lahat ng bata tumatanda at lahat ng bago ay naluluma.

siguro ganun na nga... maaaring lahat ngayon ng mga "u-know-what" ko eh meron... dadating din yung isang "u-know-what" ko na walang sabit...walang kahit ano at kahit sino...

pero...KELAN KAYA???

ganito talaga ang buhay..hindi lahat ng gusto mo napapasayo.
kadalasan ang gusto natin ay meron nang nagmamay-ari...
BAWAL KUHANIN
BAWAL NAKAWIN
AT LALONG BAWAL SULUTIN.

the best thing that one can do is to wait...
antayin yung para sa sa atin...para ng sa ganon eh walang hassle..HINDI MO KAILANGANG MANGUHA, HINDI MO KAILANGANG MANG-AGAW..eh para san pa? eh SAYO na sya...

MIRACLES DO HAPPEN

2005-09-01T21:27:00.000-07:00

"Sometimes the most important thing in a whole day is the rest we take between two deep breaths, or the turning inwards in prayer for five short minutes."
---Etty Hillesum
"An Interrupted Life: The Diaries of Etty Hillesum 1941-1943"
*******************************************************************************************
i wasn't really feeling well yesterday..my head ached and my muscles hurt...A LOT!!! because of that, i wasn't able to finish re-reading all those FILIPINO CHUVANESS. add to that,i, too, was scolded by my mother dear coz i didn't pray the rosary... i just slept and went off to dream land.
i woke up this morning feeling guilty that i didn't pray the rosary. 15 minutes was all God's asking from me that night, and yet i didn't give it to Him. i really felt guilty.because of what i did last night, i thought i won't be able to experience a normal and a happy day. but i was wrong.

on my way to school, i kept on praying that if ever i'll be called today to recite in...guess what??? FILIPINO mehN!!... i will be able to answer all sir.atalia's questions.but the thought of not praying last night kept on butting into my prayer...i just let it pass and continued to concentrate on my prayer.

then came Filipino class. i was feeling jittery and sweaty at the same time. i can't help but think that maybe God will punish me through this recitation. He will make sir. atalia ask me veeeerrrryyyy hard and far-fetched questions. but then again, i was wrong.

the question was easy. why?? because the article where he based his questions was the same article that i have been rehearsing the other night. to cut the long story short,i was able to answer all his questions and got 85 in that recitation. not bad!!!

what i want to say is that even though most of us tend to neglect God in one way or another, no matter what we do and no matter what our reasons may be, He will never abandon us during those times when we need Him most. He is a friend who knows all our faults, weaknesses, short-comings and even darkest secrets but still loves us despite it all.

MIRACLES really happen!!! and it happens to me everyday! even the littlest thing that makes me happy, i consider it as a miracle. though there are times, and it's unavoidable, when i would look at myself in the mirror, gasp in horror and...oh well.. silently pray for a miracle...

...might as well ask vicky belo or the calayans if they're open for sponsorship...

kidding aside, just like love, God moves in mysterious ways. miracles happen every second of our lives. open your eyes and look around. your loathed professor or your "seatmate" might be your miracle...just to prove it to you, my "seatmate" is one of those miracles.hehe.

THOUGHTS OF A CAMOUFLAGED BRAIN

2005-08-31T17:24:00.000-07:00

I don’t know exactly when and how on earth I got to love the military. How I managed to look almost like a boy while trying to obey innumerable orders when I used to complain every time my mother would send me to the kitchen to wash the dishes. Icky dishes. However, I do know one possible reason why I engaged in the military; why of all things I chose G.I Joe over the oh-so-perfect Barbie Doll. It was when I realized that this world was and still is crammed, full of girls of all ages, sizes, races, and even of all statistics who care for nobody but themselves. Girls who think of nothing but their dates the next day; who are too engrossed in the latest fashion and perhaps appraise anyone’s existence by the way they flip their pin-straight hair.

This world is overflowing with scumbags and thieves: from a simple passerby to a known political figure. This world is bursting with conceited and pretentious people who compete among themselves even when competition is not entirely needed.

Full of people who nonchalantly ignore warning signs which reminds them that a certain place is not safe for the pedestrians to cross despite its size and people who pass “under” the overpass and pass “over” the underpass without the slightest hint that this world is wheezing.

What a shame.

I chose to be in the military because I wanted change; I opted to wear combat boots over stilettos to find the cure for our wheezing world.

2005-08-31T02:56:00.000-07:00

THIS IS WHAT I AM MADE OF

It doesn’t matter now
Hands are numb
No prickly cold
No stinging vapor
Just pure numb skin.
That’s what I’m made of
That’s who I am…
Now. The slightest blink
Blurred what was then vibrant
The swiftest touch
Shattered what was once whole.

I freeze
As those eyes melt hers.
I crumbled with the sand
Nonchalant that
I’ve always been just a faithless,
Beguiling dust. A cube of ice.
Upon your palm
I slowly melt…

POETRY GALORE

2005-08-31T02:47:00.000-07:00

ZERO

It is but a pun
to express in words
that we share the same
emotions.
Nothing but a reverie
to amuse my eyes
with shadows of your world
embracing me.

Inside you is a soul
I could have doubtlessly loved for eternity.
With a voice that could’ve lulled
away my anxieties
and a hand, though I never got to hold,
that could’ve carried me to worlds
I have never been.

Silence has traced fine lines
on my once livid portrait.
Neglect has painstakingly stitched
your every word into
the most beautiful fairytale
I have ever read.

Will I ever have the chance
To say that
you’re mine?
Have I the slightest of luck
To hear you
Say that I am yours?
Absolutely not…

Though your piece of puzzle
may not seem to fit
into mine
you are still
The rising
and
the setting of
my sun.

MAGTATAGALOG NAMAN AKO...

2005-08-29T02:53:00.000-07:00

>ngayong may blog nako..hindi nako jologs..hehe...adik ka joyce!!!
>ngayon...may butiki sa kisame namin...at shet!! nalaglag sakin...malas...

>haaayyyy...sabi nga ni Jose Mari Chan sa kanta nia...How do you ease the hurting? How do you stop the teardrops from falling?ANSWER ME!!!!!

HAAAYY..i've been thinking..why does falling in love hurt so bad?? i don't ever wanna fall inlove agen..it hurts mehNN!!!

OF FILIPINO AND WATCHACALLITS

2005-08-29T02:26:00.000-07:00

there are two things that the Filipino subject taught me...first,it taught me how to pray spontaneously...and really fast in the middle of a recitation. second is that the only thing that can save you from humiliation of being called is your faith.
why da hell am i saying all these things?? it's not because i'm thankful for the filipino subject, nor because i'm inspired by sir atalia...it's juz that...I'M SICK OF READING THINGS ABOUT OUR LANGUAGE!!! YES!!! i'm darn sick of it!!! Sir. don't need to bombard us with lotsa readings in order to make us realize the friggin worth of having a national language...oh well...i'd rather read Wakasan Comics than drown in HIS readings..

wala lang

2005-08-26T19:04:00.000-07:00

wala din lang